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sillijeccagirl
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Name: Jessica
Birthday: 6/3/1983
Gender: Female
Interests: praising, dreaming, reading, laughing, eating strawberry pies, writing songs sporadically, writing stories when inspiration hits, watching korean dramas, improving myself to become a woman of Christ
Message: message me
Member Since:
2/27/2002
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| Why does it seem so hard for me to control my emotions while it seems to come so easily to others? I want to feel indifferent to the things that hurt & sadden me, I want to forgive many things, I want to forget other things, but I CAN'T. It's not a matter of wanting it enough. Trust me, I want it enough. And I've thought long and hard about it and I've come to the tentative conclusion that it's because I feel too acutely. I trust almost blindly, I overthink painstakingly, I cry unabashedly, I feel hurt and disappointment intensely, and I love wholeheartedly. The mixture of two or more of these pieces is what prevents me from forgiving, forgetting, and not caring as easily as those around me. Even to me, it seems a bit too innocent of me to become affected so strongly all the time, but that's just who I am. I'm trying though... Granted, at times the effectiveness of this seems negligible, but the key point is that I'm trying.
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| LOST… … my FM transmitter 
Have now been consigned to listening to 20-songs-max CDs again when driving again. I hate changing CDs on freeways. It’s not really the safest thing to do while driving, you know. FOUND… … my “Mamma Mia!” CD 
Especially elated, since I saw this in NY and wanted the soundtrack again so much that I was considering buying another one. What stopped me? I had no money after watching 3 musicals in NY. Good thing too… otherwise I’d now have 2 copies and who knows what I’d do with two of them? LOST… … interest in The Historian 
I read the inside jacket of this book and was intrigued. Who wouldn’t be? It seemed like a combination of Dracula and The Da Vinci Code. I trusted the fact that it was a bestseller and bought it, read page after boring page, and kept reading with the hope that the pace would pick up soon, especially after I had reached the halfway point. When it didn’t, I still continued to read. What can I say? I’m an optimist. I hope. It’s what I do. After I got through 75% of the novel and none of it had really interested me, I finally closed it and put it on my shelf to collect dust. Perhaps one day, when I decide I’ll give it another shot (I don’t discard my books unless they disappoint me the second time around), I’ll pick it up again and give it another go. Until then, it’ll stay on the second shelf, flanked by two much better books, only because their authors’ last names also begin with “K.” FOUND… … public libraries 
Much wider selection of books than bookstores. It’s like trying on clothes before buying them. Awesome. I'll never buy a boring book again. Plus, they have CDs and audiobooks, which I’m getting into because my throat is getting tired of singing for hours while stuck in traffic. It’s a nice reprieve. LOST… … compulsive need to eat ice cream 
So happy this is gone. Now must work on compulsive need to eat chocolate. FOUND… … desire to utilize my gym membership 
I’ve had it for some months now, and I’ve been really good about going lately, thanks to a certain bet that I’m not entirely sure I’ll win. (Unlike the Harry Potter one, which I'm sure I'll win!) Nevertheless, I shall not concede defeat! I’ll be like the Spartans at the Battle of Thermopylae, fighting until the end, and even beyond that. I’m averaging 4.4 times a week, and I level up on my DS RPGs while working out. Totally geeky, but I don’t care. Leveling up is tedious and time consuming, and it feels like a waste of time more often than not, so doing this while working out makes the time go by faster. At least I’m not looking at the timer on the machine every 30 seconds to see how much farther I’ve gone. I’m killing two birds with one stone. Gotta love that. LOST… … my innocence, to a certain extent 
I understand dirty jokes now. Although I still don’t understand them all, I’m less clueless about not-so-innocent innuendos and TV shows now. Even so, I’m a bit sad. I feel as if a door has been closed and locked, and there’s no way to get back into that lovely room with floors made of cotton clouds, scintillating snowflake windows, chandeliers lit with laughter, and happily ever afters. Horrid, horrid feeling. FOUND… … Disneyland annual pass 
The key that unlocks the aforementioned door and the way to return into that lovely room. Looks like it’s not so impossible to go back after all. And people wonder why I love Disney so much. LOST… … childhood friends Recent realization. The friends that I knew as a child, the ones with whom I discovered the art of imagination, the ones I sold Girl Scout cookies with, are no longer in my life. A little while back, I was a bit envious sometimes of Connie, Cindy and Kathy because they’ve all known each other since elementary school, but then I came to the conclusion that I was being stupid. The important thing is not how long I’ve known my friends, but that they are, right now, the phenomenal friends whom I love and trust completely. So while I have lost my childhood friends, the ones I have made since then, the ones I have today, are the ones who daily make me grateful. Thanks. FOUND… … Mrs. Whitmore, my elementary school teacher About 10 years after moving away from Mar Vista (which is near UCLA), I go back to South High to visit my high school teachers, and who do I see but Mrs. Whitmore teaching Spanish at SHS. And even more amazing, she actually recognized me and remembered my name! It made me feel so special. I hope I have that kind of effect on my future students, even years after they leave my classroom. LOST… … medical future as a pediatrician. 
After years of debating whether or not medicine was right for me I’d finally decided to drop it, and I’m finally okay with that. It was making me unhappy and it just didn’t feel right, as much as I tried to make it, force it, to feel and seem right. In retrospect, it probably didn’t feel right because God was sending me so many signals, per my request, ironically enough, to show that it wasn’t for me, but I had made myself so blind and continued to hold onto it desperately because I was afraid to let go. It took me so long to get to that realization because I had been afraid and hadn’t trusted Him enough. But even in that, God knew what He was doing and He was in control the entire time. If it hadn’t taken me so long to figure it out that I didn’t want to be a doctor, I might not have graduated with a biology degree, which set me up perfectly for… well, you’ll find that out in the next paragraph. FOUND… … teaching future in high school biology. 
In hindsight (20/20 vision!) I’ve realized that God had been leading me to this all along, and that all those years of struggling with what I really wanted to do during my undergrad years were to prepare me to be more trusting of His plan for me. I don’t normally take leaps of faith unless I know there will be something or someone there to catch me, and I felt I had no safety net if I let go of my “I’m going to be a doctor!” trapeze. After all, I had been repeating that phrase since the 4th grade and I hadn’t really considered doing anything else. But then, tired of hanging on and realizing I didn’t want to continue to simply swing because it was getting me nowhere, I let go and hoped He’d teach me how to fly… and He did. Although my releasing the bar was more due to hope than faith, I had been caught nevertheless (He’s so good, isn’t He?), and everything just began to fall into place, like a 1000-piece jigsaw puzzle. I got accepted everywhere, I managed to get loans, my cohort members are wonderful, and I love my courses to the point that I actually don’t mind driving the 405 to get to class nearly every day. He had even equipped me with my bio degree, providing the perfect steppingstone to becoming a science teacher, which is in very high demand, He had given me an ability to break things down into understandable components, and He had instilled in me a compassion for those younger than me. I’m in my second semester at Pepperdine and having the time of my life. And as hard as it may be to comprehend this, I’m not being sarcastic. I’m tremendously interested in what I’m learning and I can’t wait to put these ideas into practice in my own classroom. I’m excited about what I’m doing and I feel there’s an actual purpose to it. I’m challenged but that only serves to motivate me, rather than discourage me. How many people can say that they’ve found that? I’ve been blessed. Truly and completely blessed. LOST… … me 
Romans 3:23 FOUND… … ME!!!!! 
Luke 15:24 AMAZING GRACE! | | |
| I decided it was about time for another major update on my life, so here goes:
I got accepted! Where, you ask? To Pepperdine University's Graduate School of Education and Psychology! Whohoo for Jessica!!! Thank you. Thank you. So I'm in their teaching credential and masters program, which means that in as little as a year (which I'm shooting for) I will have both my credentials AND my masters and I'll be able to teach anywhere I want! Unfortunately, it's a bit on the pricey side... Pepperdine being a private university and all. I think it comes out to about $50,000. Yeah, steep, huh? Consequently I spent all day looking up loans and scholarships. Funny thing about scholarships: most of them require essays or stories about the most random things. I think I'll write short stories for some of them just for fun and practice.  I should just finish my book this summer and try to sell it. I might make more money that way. Wouldn't that be perfect? If anyone knows how else I might be able to come up with 50K soon, please let me know. I've never really had to try to get money for school before, so I'm a bit new at this.
Love life? You'll only get updated on that if you buy me something. It doesn't have to be from Tiffany's. A mocha frap from Starbucks or a Peach Pleasure from Jamba Juice will do. 99 cent tacos or anything from McDonalds will not. 
I have yet to watch "Pirates of the Caribbean." I'm planning on watching "Superman" this weekend though. I've heard reviews ranging from: "I was disappointed. I thought Kevin Spacey would be the redeeming factor, but he fell short too." to "It was awesome! Lois Lane is the perfect woman." I guess I'll just have to be the judge myself. And now that it's been out for more than 2 weeks, I get in for FREE!!!! Anyone want to watch it with me? I'll get you in for free too~  I feel like I have to offer some incentive other than my wonderfully engaging company because most people have already seen it.
My hair is now something between wavy and curly. Random thought: I wonder if the word "curvy" was originally a mixture of "wavy" and "curly"...
I'm now living at home again. And according to my parents, I'm stuck here until I get married. Comforting thought, isn't it?
I miss people. Like Cindy in Taiwan (with her stinky tofu), Kathy with her busy schedule, Connie in Torrance, Anne stuck at home, Ting near Knotts, Kyle in Japan, Annie prepping for law school, Mike with his stimulating conversation, the Europe group (Jay, Joe, Dan, Josie), Joan somewhere in Cerritos, Vanessa who was my first penpal, the UCLA De Neve group (everyone who went to Steve's almost daily), my cousins in Korea and New York and Australia... I wish we all had webcams, at least. Or a teleporter! Actually, I wish I was a teleporter, like that X-men guy. Oooh... superpowers... Okay, tangent. Haha.
Anyway, that's about it for now. If this bored you, you should have stopped reading the entry a long time ago. If it didn't, I'll give you candy. | | |
| I loved this past weekend! (Yeah, I realize the update is a little late, but I've been busy.)
So Friday I watched X3 with high school friends. I love our
reunions. I bought tickets with my credit card and everyone paid
me back with cash, so I had all this money in my wallet. I
usually only keep about $100 or less in my wallet at a time, so I felt
unusually wealthy. Yeah, in the back of my head I knew that it
wasn't like I actually had more money overall, but I didn't care.
So yeah, I loved the movie. Major thanks to my brother for
telling me that I'd definitely want to stay until after the credits
were over, because there's an additional scene at the very end.
It was funny because our group took up an entire row in the theater and
at the end the people who were leaving looked at us like we were
complete losers because the theater was emptying and yet here was this
whole row of college-ish kids watching the credits. I thought the
additional scene was totally worth staying for. Those of you who
haven't seen it yet should stay and watch it.
Then Saturday morning rolls around and I realize I have nothing to do
for the rest of the day except clean my room, go to the bank, and print
out Europe pictures for my parents. I check my email and find
I've received a notice that tickets for certain Hairspray seats are
only $25. TWENTY FIVE DOLLARS. For those of you who don't
know musicals, that's really
cheap. The only catch was that I had to go to the Pantages
theater to buy the tickets in person. I called up Cece who was
totally willing to go (who wouldn't, for $25?) so I nixed all my plans
for the day and drove straight to Hollywood. On the freeway
there's traffic, which is completely odd at 1 in the afternoon.
Then I see the cause. It's a car that somehow ended up on the
plant-infused hill that borders the 101 and got trapped by the
siderail. I thought that was quite a feat, considering the hill
is at a 45 degree angle and you'd have to be driving pretty recklessly
to get your entire car up on that hill to such an extent that you can't
pull it back out again. I wanted to take a picture of it, but I
couldn't manage to find my camera in my black hole of a purse.
So I finally make it to Hollywood and pay for parking, which is $$$$ in
Hollywood. I figure I'll just stay in the area for 4 hours,
rather than move my car and pay for parking again later, so I decide to
embark on a little adventure. The Pantages Theater is on
Hollywood Blvd, which is also the street that the Chinese Mann Theater
is on. During my entire almost-23 years in SoCal, I've never been
to this famous tourist hotspot, so, despite my 3 inch heels, I walk the
10 blocks to get to my destination. Along the way I see some
pretty risque shops (of course... it's Hollywood), so to keep my eyes
off scantily-clad manequins I focus on the floor and see stars with
names I recognize on the sidewalk. That keeps my attention until
other things start to appear. From the corner of my eye I see
jugglers, breakdancers, Homer Simpson, Darth Vadar, and Sesame Street
characters until I realize I am no longer looking at the floor but
around me. I have arrived. This is where stars immortalize
themselves in cement and write messages that forever capture what was
going through their heads at the time. It makes me wonder how
long they thought about what to write, knowing that once it was written
it could not be erased and that future peoples would label them as a
down-to-earth wit or a typical Hollywood star or boring. After I
have categorized most of the messages into one of those three choices,
I depart from the crazy madness of starstruck-ness and head back toward
reality. To ground myself even further before I actually get back
to my car, I enter a used bookstore and buy "Mansfield Park" for
$3. Saturday was just full of great deals. I pull a Belle
and start reading while walking. I read until Cece gets to the
Pantages and we watch one of the most enjoyable musicals I've seen as
of yet. The music made me want to dance, which I actually did at
the end. Haha. Of course, like Cece said, the company made
it even better.
On Sunday I received a compliment from a complete stranger. I was
wearing my billowy yellow-orange top that made one of my Bible study
kids ask once, "Is your shirt from Egypt?" and filling up my car with
gas at a Chevron when a guy comes up to me and says, "Thank you for
looking so beautiful on a Sunday." I wasn't sure whether to be
flattered or creeped out. Either he was a very nice man (which
I'm willing to believe because the "Sunday" part makes it seem as if
he's a Christian who appreciates when others dress up on Sundays) or
he's just a guy who compliments random girls. I don't normally
get compliments from strangers, and I generally tend to be mistrustful
of men I don't know, which you'll probably say is smart. Still,
when I thought about it I realized it was a bit sad that we live in a
society where distrust comes first and then trust comes later, if it
even makes an appearance at all. I'd like to live in a world
where everyone can be taken at face value. If someone you don't
know compliments you, it's a real compliment and not some fabrication
from a twisted person for his own twisted purposes. Ah, my ideal
world... A place where no one is misled and where everything one sees or hears is the absolute truth. I'll be there
eventually. It's called
"heaven." 
Then I got slightly sunburned when I fell asleep sunbathing next to my pool.
Cece came over and we decided to start our own bookclub since we both
enjoy reading classics. We're reading Dosteovsky's "The
Idiot." If anyone wants to join us, ask Cece. She's the
leader. Now I'm in two
bookclubs. I feel so erudite. We also decided to learn a
piano duet. I have this book of piano duets (4 hands, 1 piano)
and we're both going to master the songs and play them together.
Having friends with mutual interests is fun.
So Cece and I go out to eat a yummy Korean dinner when I get a call
near the end of the meal from the Kiwins board. I had completely
forgotten about our reunion dinner at a Brazilian BBQ restaurant.
I got to the reunion late but everyone was very nice about it. I
wasn't very hungry but I really wanted the cheesy-bread balls that
Brazilian BBQ places had. It wasn't on the menu. Luckily,
when I asked the waitress about it, she told me that they could make it
for me if I wanted. I felt so special... Getting something that
wasn't even on the menu. I'd post up pictures of dinner at Samba but I reached my
xanga pictures limit with my Europe photos (which is why I haven't posted up
any more since then).
On Memorial Day I worked.
That's right. I was working while the rest of you were probably
still sleeping. Then Dr. Kim comes out and asks, "It's Memorial
Day. Why are we all here?" The girls and I just looked at
each other, and then we just looked at him. Our looks relayed the
message: "Are you kidding me? We're here because you told us you
were working on Memorial Day!" Apparently, he got the gist of it
because he bought us CPK for lunch. My boss is cool.
Then there was a BBQ at John's house which was another high school
reunion. By this time, we've met so often the past couple weeks
that it isn't a reunion anymore since we've all seen each other
recently.
So that was my Memorial Weekend. It's funny because I hadn't
planned any of this. It all just... happened. Which made it
all the more fun. Spontaneity! I love my life.
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| So quick updates:
Just took my CSET exam on Saturday. I'm pretty confident about the last 2 sections, but the first one worried me. Stupid astronomy and geology... I don't think I ever studied those in high school, but apparently it's part of "general science" so I had to be tested on those subjects too. I really hope I passed. If I didn't, I'm pretty much screwed for next year. Thank goodness I have wonderfully supportive friends who boosted up my confidence to the point where I am now 80% sure I passed the entire exam, as opposed to the 40% certainty I had before I silently begged them for reassurance and, like the amazing friends they are, they complied.
I went to jjimjil-bang with Jay today (She's one of the friends I made while I was in Europe). I felt like such a fob, but it was SO much fun. For you non-Koreans out there, jjimjil-bang is like a spa, only less fancy. I loved just spending an lazy afternoon going from the heated floor area to the heated room to the ice room to the eating area (paht-bing-soo and dduk-bokki!). So relaxing...
Afterward, Jay and I went karaoke-ing and I realized I've lost my singing abilities. I talked to Ting about it last night and she said it might be because I haven't been practicing singing as often as I used to or it might be because I got too proud and God decided to humble me. I think it's a combination of both. Since I didn't join the praise band of my English ministry, I don't practice singing every week anymore. And since I'm serving through teaching first grade Bible study, rather than singing, I think he took the singing gift that was on loan away and replaced it with a better understanding of how to teach effectively and a love for my kids, which is what I need more at this point. And I think I was getting too proud of my singing, which I actually struggled with for a while, since I didn't want to become proud because of it and yet I couldn't help but love it when people complimented me on it. I'm quite susceptible to compliments. I still love singing, but I think next season's American Idol will take place without me as a contestant. Now it'll just be something I do at the top of my lungs during traffic on the 405.
I'm going to join a writing/reading club! It's called "wagoobswata" and Regina made it sound really interesting, so I'm going to go to my first meeting in 2 weeks. I've always wanted to join a reading club. I just don't know if I'll be able to sound very intelligent, since I'm not great at analyzing books and I rarely let anyone read my writings, but I'm going to enjoy myself at those meetings all the same! I think very few people will get to read my writings before they get published (and they will get published) because I'm not too great with criticism and only certain people can give it to me in a way that I can actually take it and use it. As for reading, I still love it and I'm still working on building my personal library, but although I have more time to read now I haven't been. I bought "The Kite Runner" and "The Mermaid Chair" about a month ago, but I haven't started either book yet. I began rereading "The Screwtape Letters" again though. That book is a serious wake-up call to me every time I read it. The ways Satan attacks are so subtle, and C.S. Lewis does an amazing job of depicting them. If I could only write as convincingly and as descriptively as Lewis... Ah well. With work, perhaps I'll get there in time.
I realized today that there are a lot of people that I hardly know or hardly ever talk to that subscribe to my xanga and get my updated posts e-mailed to them. In a way, it's a bit disconcerting because I always figured that the only people who would really want to know about my life and thoughts are those who would probably be sad if I died. I guess I was wrong. I like to think that maybe the stuff I write really is that interesting. Haha.
I LOVE GOOGLE. Their stuff is just so great. Gmail? Love the chat function and the emoticons. Hello? Love that I can send tens of pictures in minutes, the emoticons that fall down the screen, and the chat function. Google? Love that when you type in my name, articles that I wrote for the Daily Bruin 2 years ago pop up. They're genius, I tell you. Genius. | | |
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